Priority angst

I've never been lucky in love. In fact I've been disastrously ill-fated. Too many long stories and all far too personal to air in public, but I'm sure you've heard them all a million times before from other people. Of course it's only disastrous when it happens to ones self. Poor me, etc.

The situation in which I now find myself is, to me, completely new territory. Rather than my simply having particular crushes which I wish might become more, and perhaps pursuing one or other, I appear to have people actively interested in me. I appear to have options.

I am a man who doesn't "play the field", but rather I choose a path, and commit to that path. I deviate only if the path ceases to lead anywhere (or abruptly ends). With this in mind I have had to begin assessing what my priorities are, what is important in a relationship, and indeed in love. Some paths are more viable than others, and certainly a couple are impossible for varying reasons, though they still raise questions in my mind about what is necessary and what is desirable when striking out in a long term committed relationship.

Without here listing the women and their pros and cons separately (that would be brutally callous, and demeaning to reduce them to such degrees, and particularly without their knowing so), I must confess that, internally, such considerations take place. Each person is so very different in personality, appearance, and temperament, yet it does not come down to preference of one over the other in terms of who they are or how they look. Instead, my dilemmas arise from what I want from a relationship, from life, and what I can give back.

So what are my priorities? To be happy, to love, be loved back, to provide comfort and happiness, be in love, and (hopefully) to give rise to my partner in the romance the feeling that she too is in love.

The confusion occurs in whether or not I have the desire to pursue those with whom there is affection, and a love, to discover whether those factors can shape themselves to my, our, being "in love" (with those who are actually available to be in a relationship) - or to risk letting opportunities pass me by for the one with whom I know already I am in love but do not yet understand whether that love is completely mutual, nor if she would walk away from one life to attempt one with me. The choice of holding on for an outside chance at what my heart desires most, or offering myself to the discovery of what might be, is perhaps the most difficult I have yet faced in my life.